I’m far from being a hopeless romantic. #Facts. I adore romantic comedies for the shenanigans, not the boy-meets-girl scenario. And I’m here for the ones with bomb ass toasts because: writers.
It always comes back to us, right?
In real life, most toasts fall flat and are forgettable. Sadly, life isn’t like the Wedding Ringer where you can hire Kevin Hart to pull off a Golden Tux and deliver some heartfelt words or a story that’ll elicit a lip quiver and good old-fashioned ugly cry.
Recently, my sister, Nikki, gave a toast at my anniversary party. It was so dope (and well written!) that I posted it on Facebook for e’rybody to read. Here’s the backstory, I’m the writer in the family and Nikki also shies away from the spotlight.
Naturally, she felt pressure. Even more backstory: I gave a toast at her wedding comparing her and hubby Jay R to Brown Sugar’s Sydney Shaw and Dre Ellis and how their love was like a “perfect verse over a tight beat.”
A few weeks later, Jay R had this inscribed on a set of bracelets.
This is the power of a dope toast and I say that without bragging. (Okay, just a lil’ bit of bragging.)
Nikki nailed her toast by comparing Bae and I to classic sitcom characters: Claire and Cliff Huxtable, Weezy and George Jefferson and Gina and Martin Payne. Our relationship does remind me of these iconic characters, and even the guests of our guests could relate to who we are as a couple.
Her best line: They don’t think alike, but they think TOGETHER. That inspired the church ladies in the room to start their amen corner.
THE ANATOMY OF A TOAST
The anatomy of a toast—whether it is for a retirement or anniversary party, promotion, farewell or wedding reception—boils down to three elements.
Here we go, in no particular order:
- Make it personal
- Make it relatable (so that no one in the room feels left out)
- Make it unforgettable
But how does that translate to writing a toast?
Pick a single story that illustrates what this person means to you. Remember that time you fell off your bike during the girls trip to Thailand and blood was gushing from your leg, and she ripped her FAVORITE limited edition New Edition T-shirt—the one with Bobby’s sweat on it—to stop the bleeding? Only a BFF would destroy a T-shirt with Bobby’s perspiration.
Or don’t pick a single story. Nikki’s toast wasn’t about one particular scene from my relationship. It was a comparison toast and it worked just as well. Maybe you pick two stories with a similar theme and connect the dots for the audience.
Don’t rely on a lame formula. Scribes, rules are meant to be broken. So don’t do the “I love you so much” thing. No sh!t. If Jade is moving to Japan, you need to write about how she’s always had a sense of adventure, so you weren’t surprised that she sold half of her stuff for this big move. Oh, and don’t forget to add how you happily inherited Jade’s 49” flat-screen TV and a set of chef grade culinary knives.
Hop on Team S&S (substance and style). Ask yourself a few questions. What does this person value? What does she (or he) mean to you and why? What does she mean to the world? If this is a b’day toast for your great-grandmother who is famed NASA mathematician Katherine Johnson, then she’s an American hero worthy of deep reflection, context and reverence. Bask in her glory. Give her those roses while she is living. Her life wasn’t a fairy tale (more on this later) and she suffered hell so you can be carefree and dance to Cardi B.
Write the toast like it’s a conversation, instead of short speech. I know, I know, it is a short speech. But the best ones sound like warm, heartfelt convos with cool observations. (Bae and I are Weezy and George when we disagree. Only my sister and people close to us would make that connection.) Once you get it down on paper on in your smartphone, strip away all the formality and language that doesn’t sound like you. It’s okay to be funny if that is your superpower, but don’t be inappropriate and make your great Aunt Ella cringe and clutch her manicured pearls.
Don’t write the toast at the last minute. This should go without saying, but there are a ton of folks who believe that they work/write/live better under pressure. I call bullsh!t. It’s fear. It’s laziness. It’s annoying. Your procrastination is a pain in the butt to the rest of us who must deal with the domino effect of what happens at the 11th hour. If the event planner is set to hear speeches two days before the big day, be ready to slay all other toast writers in your path.
If the event is a month away, start making notes about stories, memories, things that you don’t want to ever forget (even on your death bed) like the time 12-year-old Mercy went to clown camp and fell in love the kid who spins places with his feet.
At the third week mark, pick your killer story and build it out with cool details, i.e., it was the hottest summer ever, and even the sun was looking for shade.
Save week two for editing and removing the clunky parts that don’t work and anything that will have Aunt Ella praying for Jesus to immediately take the wheel.
The last week is devoted to practice and sounding like yourself, not a phony version of someone else. Don’t be pressured to memorize it. Store the toast in the Notes app on your smartphone or for the low-tech lovers, write it down on index cards.
Don’t use words like fairy tale or perfection. This is not Sleeping Beauty. Disney got y’all messed up. We’re way too grown, savvy and seasoned to believe that life and relationships and people and situations are perfect or will ever be perfect. (Clearly, this is my toast writing pet peeve. Feel free to ignore this.) Leave that for the kids who are mesmerized by dancing teacups and pumpkins that morph into carriages.
Look, I know I used the word perfect in my toast for Nikki, but I was talking about music. VERSES CAN BE PERFECT. I mean, isn’t that why The Recording Academy awards Grammys?
Now, go write your toast for your grandfather’s 80th b’day celebration and tell me what you cooked up.
